this is for you

do i want a proper good bye?
do i need you to confront me?
do i hope that you will actually saying its all a lil misunderstanding?

i can't even imagine if you were to say good bye
i don't want to feel sick seeing you
i wouldn't take it as a mistake

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
do you have any idea how hard it is? How i try my very hard to keep my sanity?
people would say that I'm pathetic. Crying over spill milk.
but what they never know is what it took for me to unlock and open up my heart?
open up for you. Dammit!! It hurt. As much I really want to make you suffer for doing this to me, I won't be able to hurt you, ever.

And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space
yes, i gave you all the space in world but suddenly you decide to left me hanging.
i know i tried to reach you but purely because I'm so used to have you around
to have you making me smile
to have you soothing me when I'm sad, owh, maybe that is why I  felt your disappearance so much. I never thought that you will be the one that make me sad. I didn't come out with back up plan of it.

While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
i don't really know if i were good enough
i don't really know if i were supportive enough
i don't really know if i were understanding enough


i never doubted you when you are in your weird moment. i understand that you are not as plain as any other person. you are unique in your way.
i recalled that you told me why you choose me at the first place

- you know that i will able to cope with your difference-

what happen to that belief? why do chose to left me behind?
reading those messages where you try to convince me that we will be together
make me dying
make me feel ridiculous
make me feel mad
why did you make me believe that we could we be together when you, yourself are trying to love me?
after all this while, only now i realize that its just a try-to-make-it-work basis relationship.
I'm your try and error experimental guinea pig.
I'm just your trial.
I'm just a toy after all,isn't?

I always be there for you
right behind you
when things turn ugly, I'm there to make you think the bright side of it
is it enough?
is it good for you?
i never question those thing that i know i won't understand
i never stand between your family, your band, even yourself
i never make you chose either one of it
i never make you put me first then your band, your father, your brother
even when i really want you to look me in the eyes, say that you love me and thanks me for being here for you - and really mean it -
i give you all the time, space and understanding that one could ever give
i take your hand when you lose your place in your own band
i take your shoulder and set it proud back when they started to question your capability
i sit next to you in every practice, in every show, in every moment when you need company
but then, you realize that you can't talk to me
saying it to my face
that you can't see where this going?
you decide that you can walk away
run and avoiding me
and everything that it take to leave me


And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?” 

now i realize that i might not be able to accept if you were to say that were done
and you know that as well

i hope that
one day when you have the courage to face me
one day when I have the faith to face you
you will look into my eyes and see the pain inside
you will feel the hurt in my heart
you will hear the cry of the mistake

let it be your mistake of leaving me
or my mistake letting you go

my smile that once bring shine to your life
my smile that once bring happiness to your heart
my smile that once bring new meaning to your relation
the smile that the only living ever received is you

is now gone...
but i still can fake a smile